Girls, You Don’t Owe Him Anything

I want to offer you gals a quick tip that will save you a lot of time, emotional exhaustion, and frustration. Here it is: be honest with guys. Brutally honest. Lovingly and respectfully honest, yes. But brutally honest.

I want you to know that you can be honest and should be honest with guys in your life that you do not want to be involved with. Here is the question I am addressing: What do you do, girls, when a guy expresses that he wants to go on a date with you, likes you, loves you, and/or wants to marry you, but you have no interest in any of the above?

Answer: Be honest.

It seems a lot of girls feel one of two things when in the above situation. In my first blog, I said that some girls avoid honesty because they fear hurting a guy. In this blog, I want to uncover a lie I think a lot of girls may believe: “You owe him something.”

For a variety of reasons, you may feel like you owe a guy something. Maybe because he had the courage to ask you out, you think you now owe him a date. Or maybe because he bought you dinner, you owe him a goodnight kiss or snuggle. Or maybe you have been dating for a year, but now you realize you can’t marry him, and you think you owe him a long, slow, drawn-out break-up where you text all day, talk every few days, and still say sweet-nothings to one another (just not with as much “commitment” anymore). The truth is, you don’t owe him anything.

Biblically speaking, just because a guy asks you out doesn’t mean he earned anything from you. He earned nothing from you. You owe every guy only what Jesus demands from you: to love them as brothers in Christ or as those you desire to be in Christ one day. Beyond that, you don’t owe any guy anything. You don’t owe any guy a date, a phone call, a text message, a kiss, a snuggle, sex, or a life-long commitment of marriage. Only in marriage do you “owe,” appropriately, your husband certain things that Jesus demands from you (such as love, respect, faithfulness, etc.).

In summary, don’t get sucked into the lie that you owe a guy anything. He didn’t purchase you with dinner and a movie, or a year of dating. Only Jesus purchased you with his blood.

How to Turn a Guy Down Every Time

Girl(s), have you ever had to turn a guy down

I want to offer you gals a quick tip that will save you a lot of time, emotional exhaustion, and frustration. This tip is summed up in three words: just tell him.

I want you to know that you can be honest and should be honest with guys in your life that you do not want to be involved with. Here is the question I am addressing: What do you do, girls, when a guy expresses that he wants to go on a date with you, likes you, loves you, and/or wants to marry you, but you have no interest in any of the above?

Answer: Be honest.

It seems a lot of girls feel one of two things when in the above situation. In this blog, we will address the first one: You may be afraid to hurt him. You may think telling a guy you do not want to go on a date, or that you don’t want to marry him because you just met will be too harsh. You may not want to hurt his feelings or ego. But here is what you need to know: he will be just fine.

If you telling him ‘No’ destroys the rest of his life (highly unlikely), then you don’t want to be involved with that guy anyway. If his life can’t go on without you, then you are his idol. He looks to you as a god that brings him life and joy in a way that only God should. You don’t want to date or marry someone who worships you.

But maybe you’re thinking, “Telling him ‘No’ won’t devastate him, but it will hurt him for a time.” Again, he will be just fine. Will it sting a bit to hear the girl he is interested in say ‘No’? Sure. But will it hurt a lot more when you draw him in, and then are finally honest with him? Yup. At the end of the day, he is going to be just fine. You aren’t going to hurt him as much as you think. And if you are, maybe he needs to grow up and start wearing big boy pants before he asks a girl out.

PRACTICAL HELP

“I appreciate you asking, but I am not interested in going on a date with you.”

“I told you that I was not interested in being involved with you, so please stop texting, calling, and showing up at my house.”

“Now that I have told you twice to stop pursuing me, and you won’t, I am going to let my dad, brother, pastor, and/or posse of 8 real men from my church deal with you. Godspeed!”

Dating and Overseas Missions?

Another question from our Dating, Marriage, and Sex conference…

Q: “If you feel called to overseas missions after you finish school, how should you view dating and marriage?”

A: I think this question is asking about viewing marriage and dating for this person specifically. It depends on a number of things, two that I am thinking about: your desires/convictions and your gender. First, if we were talking, I’d ask you how strong your conviction is to move overseas. For instance, if you were to say that you are moving overseas right after school and you will not let finding a spouse get in the way, then that needs to affect your dating life in America. You shouldn’t be heavily involved with someone who would be unwilling to move overseas. The person you are dating needs to know sooner than later about your convictions. However, if it is a distant desire and interesting idea, but you are willing to begin a marriage that may steer you away from being overseas (at least in the near future), then that will also affect your dating. If it is something you are more willing to let go of, then it may not factor in as much.

Secondly, if you are a guy, dead set on moving overseas, then the girl you pursue needs to know that sooner than later. The question is, does your (future) girl think she can fall in love with someone and trust someone who will take them, and their future kids, overseas. On the other side, if you are a girl with this desire/conviction, I’d look for a guy with a similar passion. The roles between men and women in marriages are different. Men lead, women respond. You don’t want to feel like you are leading the guy, him submitting to you. You want to respect, trust, and follow their leadership. I can more easily see you being able to follow and submit to a guy with a similar passion. This will make for a healthy and happy marriage for you both.

Song of Solomon

In a series of posts I will address a number of questions we received during our Dating, Marriage, and Sex conference week. We simply didn’t have the time to answer each question, so I will keep answering some of them here.

You can listen to sermons and our panel discussion from the week here.

Q: “How much have you studied the Song of Solomon and/or implemented those principals in your marriage?”

A: I am not married, so I haven’t implemented principles from Song of Solomon to my non-existent marriage. However, I have studied Song of Solomon via 3 different Bible studies (Tommy Nelson, Matt Chandler, and Mark Driscoll); I recommend checking out their studies. Studying the book helped me (1) view dating as having marriage as the ultimate aim and (2) see marriage and sex as gifts from God to be enjoyed for His glory. In general, the book got/gets me excited to wait for and fight for an enjoyable, God-glorifying marriage. When it comes to a lot of the principles, I don’t remember a ton. These will be studies I go back to whenever a marriage seems to be on my horizon. However, some of the details and principles helped me view marriage realistically, rather than some conflict-less, pain-free fantasy. It helped me see that all marriages have their difficulties, that a healthy marriage is something you have to work hard at, and that as a man I will be the leader of my household and will be held, first and foremost, responsible for my household.

A TASTE OF GRACE’S MARCH 6TH Q&A

On March 6th at 7pm at Grace Church we will be answering your text-in questions about dating, marriage, and sex frankly and biblically. Gather with a bunch of college students at Grace Church and ask some questions! Learn how here.

Here is a little taste of the upcoming Wednesday night…

“Is foreplay OK? When does fun with one’s spouse become objectifying your spouse?”

“What does it look like in an everyday marriage for the wife to submit to the husband? Should this submission occur while the two are dating?”

“What if I’m afraid I won’t be able to resist temptation before I’m married?”

“Is limiting sex to only within marriage limiting my pleasure?”

“What happens if you don’t want to kiss before getting married and your girlfriend/boyfriend does want to?”

“At what point in our relationship should we say ‘I love you’?”

“How do we approach telling the ones we date about a lustful, physical previous relationship?”

“What are some practical ways to go about setting physical boundaries in a dating relationship?”

“If a guy and girl are having sex in their dating relationship and become convicted, should they break up?”

In a marriage, “Can we use condoms? Or since it hinders life ought we not to?”

The “Mrs.” Degree

In today’s culture, few girls would say they’re at a university to get their “Mrs.” degree, meaning, they simply want to find a man, get married, and have some kids. However, that doesn’t mean that only a few girls actually just want their Mrs. degree. Now, I barely know anything about girls (and that’s being generous), but I know something about the Bible, and I have had conversations through the years with girls about this stuff. So, rather than presume to act like I have knowledge about women, let me make one comment about Scripture and then one comment about what I have heard from women, and then give you girls 2 good quotes to think about.

First, the Bible says that God made our first mother, Eve, for Adam. She was literally made from the get go to be a “helper” to Adam; she was made to marry him, help him, and raise kids with him. Marriage and motherhood was a bigger-than-huge part of Eve’s purpose. She was wired for it from the beginning.

My point: It is good for you, as a gal, to long to be married and to raise kids. It is biblical. It is glorifying to God.

Secondly, from my conversing with girls through the months/years, I have noticed that girls are hesitant to be honest about what they really want. It seems girls, when answering the question about what they want to do with their lives, first give their more school/job oriented answer. “I want to finish school, get this job, work in this ministry, etc.” It seems that usually that answer is then followed by a side note: “And I also would like to have a family one day.”

Now, if the gals are completely honest, I don’t think they are telling the full truth with how they answer the life question. If they are honest, I think many girl’s answers would be more along the lines of: “I want to get married and be a mom.”

That is not to say you gals don’t have aspirations in the business or ministry world, it just seems that for girls who ultimately just want to get married and have kids, they seem to fear owning those desires. I think this fear is produced by the culture. Our culture tells women that to simply want to get married and be a mom is “weak” and “less than.” Our culture says that is a cop-out, that women are letting men do all the “hard” work. The result is that women feel the pressure to have a successful, demanding career, which ends up getting in the way of their true dream, to have a healthy family.

My point: Biblically speaking, you can start owning your desires to simply get married and have kids. It is normal. It is good. It is from God.  

Here is what Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Search has to say on this topic:

“Just as bad, many people show open disdain for anyone who goes to college in part hoping to find someone to marry or who even seems intentional in their pursuit…What’s so wrong with spending four years trying to find a suitable life mate–perhaps not as the main goal of college, but certainly one of the top goals?”

Girls, it is right for you to be intentional about finding a husband. You are not the initiator. You want a man who initiates and pursues you. However, you can help yourself get noticed by putting yourself in places to meet godly, Christian men.

Thomas writes, “Some women are cautious, believing…that they want a man to pursue them. What I’m suggesting doesn’t contradict that; however, are you putting yourself in situations where you can be pursued? Are you in a place where you can be noticed? Can you do anything to put yourself in somebody’s mind-set?”

If you ultimately just want to get married and be a mom, don’t let the culture tell you something is wrong with that. Let the Bible tell you where the culture is wrong. It simply isn’t true that all women need to be pursuing careers and making a lot of money. Can they? Sure, if they want to! But if they really just want to get married and have kids and could care less about having a career in the marketplace, God in his Word affirms them in those desires.

If you are ready to date, get busy putting yourself in situations to be noticed by good Christian men that have the courage and intentionality to pursue you, and the readiness and ability to marry you, if you want.

If you want to learn more about how to date and marry well, join a bunch of 17-23 year olds at my church’s “Dating, Marriage, and Sex” seminar on Feb. 27th at 7pm (6125 Bosque Blvd. Waco, TX 76710).